Is it normal to feel relief when someone dies?

Why relief and grief come together

When someone you love has been sick for a long time, you watch them struggle. You may have spent months managing medicines, sleeping lightly, and bracing for the next phone call.

When they die, that struggle ends, for them and for you. Feeling a loosening in your chest, or a deep quiet, is a natural response. The National Institute on Aging lists relief among the normal feelings caregivers can have after a death, along with sadness, guilt, and a loss of purpose.

Relief and grief can sit side by side. You can miss your person terribly and still be glad they aren't hurting anymore.

You may have been grieving for a while

Many caregivers start grieving long before the death. You grieve the trips you won't take, the conversations that are no longer possible, and the person they were before the illness. This is often called anticipatory grief.

So when the death comes, part of your grief may have already been happening for months. That can make the relief feel stronger, and it can also make the sadness show up later, in waves.

What about the guilt?

Guilt often follows relief. You may wonder what it says about you that you feel lighter. You may remember a moment when you wished it would all be over.

That thought can come during long, exhausting caregiving. It usually comes from wanting their suffering to stop, and from being worn down yourself. It doesn't change the care you gave.

A few things that can help:

• Say it out loud to someone you trust.
• Write down what you did for your person, the big things and the small ones.
• Let your feelings change from day to day. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Grief support from hospice

If your loved one was on hospice, the hospice must make bereavement support available to the family for up to a year after the death. What that looks like varies from one hospice to another. You don't need to wait for them to reach out. Call and ask what they offer.

When to reach out for more help

Grief is not something to fix, and the pain usually softens with time. But reach out to a doctor, counselor, or support group if:

• Months later, you still can't manage day-to-day life
• You aren't sleeping or eating for long stretches
• You feel numb, hopeless, or stuck in the same painful thoughts

If you ever think about harming yourself, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time.